In a Heartbeat (Lifetime Book 2) Read online

  IN A HEARTBEAT

  ARIADNE WAYNE

  Edited by LAUREN MCKELLAR

  Cover Design SPRINKLES ON TOP STUDIOS

  Photography by MICHAEL MEADOWS STUDIOS

  BOOK TWO OF THE LIFETIME SERIES

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, including electronic or mechanical, without written permission from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Ariadne Wayne is in no way affiliated with any brands, songs, musicians or artists mentioned in this book.

  Created with Vellum

  Pain.

  Blood.

  Heartache

  That’s all Vanessa Brown sees and feels when she closes her eyes. Having a baby wasn’t part of the plan, losing one breaks her heart.

  Until her miscarriage, Vanessa has the perfect life. Newly qualified as a doctor, she has a loving boyfriend, Connor, and the world at her feet. But with the loss of her baby, her fear and hurt cause the breakdown of her relationship.

  Doctor Dylan West is new to the hospital, and has all the right words to say to a woman starting all over again. Vanessa takes a chance, and discovers that new isn’t always better, and the mistakes of the past sometimes come back to haunt you. Even when they’re not your own.

  This book is a follow-up to In a Lifetime, but can be read as a stand alone

  DEDICATION

  This book is dedicated to J. I love you to the moon and back and you deserve all the good things. I never thought this would become as personal as it has, and I hope you get your happy ending. <3 Love, W.

  Chapter 1

  Blood. So much blood.

  I dealt with blood every day of the week as a doctor. This was different. That disconnect I felt when dealing with bleeding patients was gone when it was me doing the bleeding.

  My baby was gone. The baby I’d never wanted in the first place.

  Connor squeezed my hand. “Deep breaths, babe. Let’s just see what the doctor says.”

  “I am a doctor.” I pulled my hand away, glaring at him, and immediately my stomach clenched. None of this was Connor’s fault.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, and slid my hand back in his. None of this was fair. Not when he’d been so happy. This was my fault. I’d been the reluctant one, the scared one, the one who hadn’t wanted children. At least not yet.

  Being qualified was still new to me. The last thing I wanted was a baby. I was in the first year working as an intern in a hospital, still learning while I worked out what I wanted to specialise in. Those two lines on that pregnancy test had changed everything.

  For four weeks, we’d known I was pregnant. Connor’s excitement had slowly rubbed off on me, and I’d fallen in love with the idea, fallen even more in love with Connor. He would be the best father my baby could have.

  Now, the dream was over. I didn’t need another doctor to tell me.

  Connor leaned over and kissed my temple. “You have nothing to be sorry for. You’re scared. So am I. I just need to know you’re okay.”

  Beautiful, sensitive Connor. So good for me, and too good for me. There were times when I didn’t know how he put up with me and my moods. I’d never been one of those happy-clappy optimistic people. I left that for my sister, Ella. I was the one who had the resting bitch face. Connor loved me anyway.

  “Miss Brown, sorry for the wait, I …” A familiar voice came through the door. “Holy shit, Vanessa. What’s going on?”

  “How many Vanessa Browns do you know?” There it was again—that snarky tone I couldn’t seem to help but use when stressed. It wasn’t his fault, Brown wasn’t exactly an uncommon surname.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t click. Tell me what’s happening.” Doctor Will Clay stood by my bed. We’d gone through university together, graduated together, and were both now in our first year of working as junior doctors in the hospital.

  “I’m losing my baby.”

  He leaned forward. “I didn’t know you were pregnant.”

  “No one did. We haven’t hit the twelve-week mark yet.”

  Will nodded. “Are you okay with me examining you?”

  I leaned back and stared at the sterile white ceiling. “I know you have to.”

  “I can get a female doctor.”

  I looked back at him, fixing him with as steely a glare as I could muster. “And wait another half hour?”

  He licked his lips, flicking a nervous gaze between Connor and I. “Right.”

  “Just get it over with.”

  I went back to staring at the ceiling as Will was as gentle as he could be. I couldn’t fault him, but tears rolled down my cheeks, and Connor squeezed my hand again in response.

  “I’ll get you an ultrasound to confirm.” He spoke so softly, but the way he said the words didn’t make this any less painful. My baby was gone.

  “Fine, whatever.”

  “You already know what’s going on, Vanessa,” Will said softly. “And from what I can see, it’s nearly over. How far along were you?”

  “About eight weeks.”

  He nodded. “I’ll just give radiology a call, and I’ll take you up there myself. I think I’m due a break.”

  My eyes welled as I looked at him. I kept my focus on Will, too scared to look at Connor and the pain I knew would be written all over his face.

  “Please,” I whispered, as Will picked up my other hand and squeezed it.

  “I’ll take care of you. Both of you.”

  Warm tears rolled down my cheeks as he let go of my hand and disappeared out of the room to make his call. Despite my natural inclination for snark, I had a good bedside manner because I cared. Will, however, seemed so much more caring than I was. Of all the doctors to get, I couldn’t have asked for any better.

  “I’m sorry, babe.” Connor leaned over, kissing my temple.

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “I know, but I hate seeing you like this. Love you, Ness.”

  “Love you too,” I whispered, closing my eyes.

  THROUGH IT ALL, Connor was by my side, and when we finally got home and I broke down, he held me in his arms and rocked me.

  “My heart hurts,” I whispered.

  “So does mine. I love you so much. None of this is fair.” He led me to the bathroom, and twisted the mixer for the shower, checking the water until it ran at the right temperature before stripping me down. I stood, motionless, letting him do what he needed to.

  He stripped off too, and guided me into the shower. I closed my eyes as the warm water covered me, and Connor picked up a cloth and gently washed me off. What I ever did to deserve him, I’d never know, but his kindness brought the tears back.

  “It’ll be okay, Ness. Let’s go to bed and sleep and maybe things will be a bit better in the morning.”

  “I’m so empty,” I whispered.

  Connor cupped my face in his hands. “I don’t know what you’re going through, but I’m here, and I’ll always be here.”

  I nodded. I knew he meant the words, but everything felt hollow now. It was amazing how in such a short time your world could be flipped on its head. A few weeks ago, I might not have felt so strongly. Now, it seemed like I’d lost everything, and I didn’t know how to start myself again.

  I stepped into the bedroom, a towel wrapped around me. Connor plucked a pair of panties from my bedside cabinet and helped me dry off as I stood still.

>   “Here we go.” He slipped my nightgown over my head, and I stepped into my underwear. Connor reached to pull them up, but I put my hand out and stopped him.

  “Thank you.”

  “Anything for you.”

  I shuffled around the bed, my underwear around my ankles, and opened my bedside cabinet again. Pulling my panties up, I slid a sanitary pad in.

  Connor blushed as I looked back at him. “Of course. Sorry.”

  “You don’t have anything to be sorry about.”

  He peeled down the sheets on the bed, and I lay down as he pulled on some underpants and slipped in beside me.

  I had no more tears left, at least not tonight, with exhaustion overwhelming me. It was so good to be back in my own bed, but at the same time, the last time I’d slept here, I still had my baby inside me.

  Connor wrapped his arm loosely around my waist. “Do you need anything else?”

  My baby back?

  “No. I just need some sleep.”

  I rolled toward him, snuggling up as his grip tightened. This was my comfort, the boy I loved more than anything, the man who was my heart. It wasn’t his fault my heart seemed so empty. If anyone could fill it again, it was Connor.

  Surely.

  MY EYES DIDN’T WANT to open in the morning. I couldn’t blame them; it had been a late night, and I didn’t particularly want to get out of bed. At the same time, I needed my life to get back to normal.

  I yawned, and rolled over, opening one eye to look at the alarm clock. It was 10.03 a.m.

  “What the hell? My shift started at eight.” I sat up and dropped my feet to the floor.

  Connor’s hand landed on my back. “I turned off your alarm clock.”

  “You did what?”

  “I called your work and told them you wouldn’t be in.”

  I looked over my shoulder and glared at him. “I didn’t ask you to do that.”

  “I know, but last night was exhausting. I figured you could do with the rest.”

  Pulling away, I stood and turned. “You had no right to do that. How is that going to look, my boyfriend calling in sick for me?”

  He smiled. “They were so good about it. Said for you to take your time.”

  “I can’t believe that you would do that. I’ve never missed a day of work sick. Ever.”

  The last thing I wanted to do was sit around. I’d worked so hard for what I had achieved, was proud of my perfect work record. Not to mention that the only way I knew to get rid of the nagging misery in my head was to think about something else.

  My relationship with Connor had bloomed at the time when I had come to Auckland to study, and he knew how serious I was about my career. My father had wanted me to be a vet, but then again, he hadn’t done what his father wanted, and instead had followed in his grandfather’s footsteps on the farm.

  I had never been much of a people person, but I cared much more than I ever usually let on. On the job training also kept me learning, which I loved.

  Stuck at home, I wouldn’t be learning anything.

  “No, you haven’t. So you have plenty of leave to use.” Connor’s words snapped me back to the present and irritated me further. I was the one who should decide that.

  “I don’t want to stay home. I want to get back to normal.”

  “You need to give it time, babe. Last night was a huge thing for you to deal with.”

  I buried my face in my hands, letting out a growl. “I need to deal with it my way.”

  “Want me to be with you?”

  I shook my head. “No, I’ll be fine.”

  With nothing else to do but crawl back into bed, that was exactly what I did. All my motivation had gone. Between the staff who saw me in the department last night, and Connor’s phone call the word would have spread, and everyone would know my personal business. Maybe if I stayed away for a while, it’d die down.

  I buried myself under the covers, Connor kissing the top of my head through the sheet as he left. Closing my eyes, I drifted back to sleep.

  Sleep wasn’t easy, dreams full of blood and sadness, stabbing at my heart as it broke all over again. And the guilt, the overwhelming guilt of knowing that I hadn’t wanted to be pregnant in the first place.

  I woke to the sound of the front door closing and raised my head to look at the bedside clock. It wasn’t even midday.

  “Connor?” I called.

  “Babe, I told them at work what had happened and they sent me home. I’ll just work from here.” He stood in the bedroom doorway. “Want anything?”

  “No. I thought I was going to get some time alone.” I knew I was being irrational, but if I wasn’t distracted by work I needed to be alone. To grieve and hurt alone.

  His eyebrows crept up. “You wanted to go to work this morning.”

  “I just need space, Connor.” I pulled the sheet over my head again.

  “I’ll be out in the living room if you need anything. I’ll leave you to it.”

  He means well.

  I buried myself in my bed, trying to shut out the noise from the television.

  One day at a time.

  Chapter 2

  The morning after that, it was too hard to go to work, and then the morning after. Maybe Connor had been right after all. I hadn’t even spoken to my family. My parents and my sister knew nothing about what had happened.

  I managed to drag my butt out of bed a week later. I’d had enough of moping, and Connor’s fussing was driving me to despair. It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate it, but I’d never been one to have other people do everything for me. At times, his love was smothering to the point where it angered me.

  There were so many times I wasn’t fair on him, but he stuck with me. We’d always just worked, though now things were strained. Every day I was so grateful for him.

  “Are you going to work?” he asked.

  “I think I’ve been away long enough. I’m going mad sitting around here.”

  He smiled, that goofy, loving grin I adored, and kissed me on the cheek. “I’m glad you’re up and about again. I’ve been worried about you.”

  “I never would have guessed.” At times in the past week, it had seemed he was doing everything in his power to keep me in bed, not that he’d had to try hard. I knew he wanted me to rest, but I was over it.

  “Are you going to call your sister?”

  I rolled my eyes before I could stop. “When I’m ready. She doesn’t need to hear my bad news.”

  “I didn’t want to bug you, but Ella’s called twice. I told her you were sick, but that’s only going to worry her more. Jacinda called to check on you too. I know you don’t want to talk to your family, but I told Mum. She must have told my sister.”

  Burying my face in my hands, I shuddered as Connor’s fingers landed gently on my shoulder. He was all over this because he loved me, but I just wanted to move on.

  “Ness, I know this is hard. I’m trying to help.”

  “I know you are, but sometimes it just makes it worse.” I looked up at him with tears welling in my eyes.

  “Tell me how to make things better.”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. I just need time.”

  Connor leaned over and kissed the top of my head. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  How could I tell him the guilt eating me alive was the knowledge I hadn’t wanted the baby in the first place? That maybe on some level my body had known that and got rid of the baby for me. My brain told me that it wasn’t logical; my heart disagreed. I was the shittiest person alive and didn’t deserve the love and sympathy Connor had for me.

  In the car on the way to work, I relished the solitude. Being stuck in the horrible Auckland traffic was a blessing for a change as I enjoyed my own company.

  For a week, I’d moped, sure of only one thing. The baby had been conceived in love. Connor and I had been inseparable from the day we’d met, and I revelled in his presence. He was the gentle one out of the two of us, and offset m
y bossy nature.

  He’d also been over the moon from the day we found out about the pregnancy, and had talked me around in the three weeks that followed.

  Just as I’d joined him in his enthusiasm, it had all been stolen from me—from us.

  A week later, I still felt empty.

  No one said anything at work. The constant hum of the hospital chatter had a calming effect on my soul. This was what I’d really needed, to get back to the daily routine of life, to bury myself in other people’s issues so that for just a little while I could forget my own.

  Being with patients was fine. I listened and made small talk as usual. Inside, my heart was still crushed, and it took a little extra effort to force that smile out, but I did it and it was exhausting.

  The cafeteria had lasagne, and I took a deep breath of the big serving I’d bought. This was naughty and nice all rolled into one.

  “How are you?” Will touched my shoulder as he came up behind me, and I shook my head.

  “You might have touched my vagina, but that doesn’t make you my best friend,” I snapped before I could stop myself, immediately regretting my tone. He’d helped me, not hurt me. “I’m sorry. I’m just so angry with the world right now.”

  He nodded and sat beside me at the table, leaning back in his chair. “It’s okay. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but if you need someone to talk to, I’m here.”

  Ugh, he was so annoyingly nice. Will was one of those young doctors that all the nurses adored. He was horribly cute with wavy brown hair and blue eyes and dimples that I hated at first sight. That might have been a slight exaggeration.

  “Thanks. Just so you know, your charms don’t work on me.”

  He rolled his eyes. “I have a girlfriend who’ll be so relieved to hear that.”

  “Does she know you touch other women’s vaginas in your spare time?”

  Will burst out laughing, and looked around to see if anyone was looking. “I was working. How’s your boyfriend doing?”

  I sighed. “Connor is amazing. He’s devastated, but putting me first as he usually does. I don’t know what I did to deserve him.”